moving on!! ~

30th of November... do you know what it means? it means: "get started to prepare for next year's studies". and also the same, next year's November 30th, means that i should already start studying for my upcoming PMR test...i am now in my mum's office, she installed a wireless connection yesterday and that makes things more convenient for me when i want to use my laptop.. (i love my PC more than any high-tech computers) mum's busy with bookings, phone calls, schedules, and etc. as usual.. dad on the other hand, is entertaining two (i don't know who) females.. they look busy, with one of them typing on her PC, and a big pile of files of documents beside... and me? i am here doing nothing but stupid blogging and listening to my iPod, maybe called in by my mum to do some faxing or Photostatting once in a while.. today may be my last day here this year, as I've mentioned, i should stay at home studying and preparing for next year's classes in December.
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an additional incident ~ i had a scolding from my mum yesterday night, for yelling loudly as i protested something.  it wasn't just pure scolding, but the deafening voice of hers was participated by blows on my head and etc. i don't know, i just feel uncomfortable these few days, i have this feeling of boxing the mirror in my bathroom when i saw it (i've did that before, but only my ex-maid knew about it), i felt like dumping my laptop on the floor, banging the door until it's hinges can't hold it in place... i just felt kind of... violent.... i wanted to vent something, but i don't know what, i wanted so badly to destroy anything that came into my sight.... that 2-3 weeks, i behaved very very very badly.. i shouted whenever i talked, i protested with a volume high enough to make people jump with astonishment..

but, my point is, i learned my lesson... i should never express my my real feelings too clearly, i should make my cold, quiet and numb personality when in contact with strangers a big part of my true self. that may save me a lot of uninvited problems and conflicts. i am slightly problematic, a little violent in nature, or you may say that i have a fiery temper or whatever. i am extremely emotional, everyone in this universe who knows me knows this, and they are smart enough to leave me alone when i am 'emo' . but all these can be settled when i feel nothing, nothing at all. i may have my regular mood swings inside, but with my cold personality, i can hide it from those around me, and then i wouldn't make the atmosphere as gloomy as myself...
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i guess that's all for now, i din't have much rest last night, rolling up and down my bed for the entire night, crumpling my bedsheets... and for that, i'll have to pay a price, i think feel like i am drugged right now >.<